What I Learned Dating a Narcissist and How It Can Help You
♥
Written by: Heather Mendez
Most of us can attest to the fact that maneuvering through the dating scene isn’t easy.
Meeting someone new is nerve-wracking! It’s basically an interview, based solely on looks and personality. We all want to make a good first impression. Unfortunately, the dating scene is even more difficult when you realize what kind of people are out there. Sadly, not everyone you meet is looking out for your well-being.
I learned this the hard way.
Hopefully, my story will serve as a warning to women who are dating or questioning a relationship they’re currently in.
How it All Began
I was tired of being single, so I decided to try a dating app to see what the online dating scene was like out there. I started up conversations with a few guys, but it never really ended up anywhere.
And then I met who we will refer to as “Joe” in this rendition of my story.
Joe seemed to have all the physical qualities I’d dreamt of, plus we both enjoyed many of the same extra-curricular activities. We talked on the dating app for a few days, and then he asked me to meet in person.
The first red flag I ignored was that he was a contract worker from out of town, working near me three weeks each month. He was heading home soon for his week off and suggested we meet before he left. I agreed, and we decided on a breakfast date for the next morning.
Love at First Sight
As I saw him walking toward my car, I felt butterflies.
He was the most handsome guy I had ever seen. We talked for a couple of hours straight, and I knew immediately that I was already falling for him.
I actually had to stop myself from saying, “I love you” to him during our first date. I knew it was too soon to say or think that, but it was what I felt. Then he said it first. I was shocked, because I realized we both felt the same way. So I took a leap of faith, and I told him, “I love you too.”
At the moment, my gut said go for it. It felt right at the time. I just brushed it off as “Wow. Love at first sight does exist.”
The second red flag, and I once again ignored it.
Honeymoon Phase
We spent a lot of time together.
During this time, I learned that he had been married before but was getting a divorce. He told me a story about how his wife would push him away and didn’t want anything to do with him.
Then he said something that rubbed me the wrong way.
He admitted to having an affair with a woman while he was away working. He had been spending time with this woman and even said that his wife knew about her. His wife found messages from her while he was home. She immediately left him and took their child with her. Joe said he was suicidal and blamed both women for ruining his marriage. He justified the cheating as, “my wife drove me to do it.” I took his side and agreed that she had driven him to cheat.
All I wanted to do was show this poor wounded soul that he was lovable and wanted.
Then, for weeks we talked about marriage– living together, raising his little girl together, and having a baby of our own. It was a life I’d dreamt of, and I was ready to live it.
Little did I know however, that I was about to be put through a series of sick games where the rules changed at any given moment.
Glaring True Colors
I finally got to meet his daughter.
However, there was one tiny stipulation. Apparently, his daughter was afraid of new people, and wouldn’t want to come too close to them. So the rules for meeting her were to not speak to her, not get within a few feet of her, and to pretty much leave her alone. I was only permitted to observe her from a distance.
The trip to meet his daughter was an absolute nightmare. Joe ignored me the entire time that his daughter was around, and of course, I couldn’t make contact at all, because if I got too close to them– he would yell at me to go somewhere else. I was so far away from everyone I knew, and I felt so alone. For someone that was supposed to be my rock, he had abandoned me in a time where I really needed him. I guess he didn’t completely ignore me, as he ordered me around to get him the diapers and wipes and clean clothes while he changed her soiled clothes.
I felt like I was going to cry. Surprisingly, he asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He stated that he couldn’t believe I was being so selfish. How dare I expect him to pay attention to me when all of his attention should be going to his daughter? And how dare I get upset about helping him out with his daughter while he changed her soiled diapers like a mother should?
I ended up apologizing to him, and I thought things went back to normal. We even looked at houses for us to move into, agreeing on one we both liked.
Honeymoon’s Over
Later, Joe stated, “My wife would always know what to do in times like that, she would always help me.”
He also stated that this trip opened his eyes a bit and made him think about how he “didn’t have time to teach a 30-year-old how to be a mother.” He went on to say how he had expected more from me, and that I could’ve at least attempted to talk or play with his daughter.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was somehow my fault that I hadn’t made a good impression on his daughter because I listened and followed his orders not to get near her?
He became distant and weird. He was speaking about moving into “his” house, not “our” house. I started to feel a little left out –or rather– booted out.
Things became different after that. We would still talk, but he would say mean things about my weight and other personal things. When I got upset, his response was, “I thought we could tell each other anything. I guess I was wrong.”
I apologized again. That’s right, I apologized for getting upset that he said something mean and hurtful to me.
He told me his dad suggested he should date around and explore his options. How does someone tell you they love you, want to marry you, have a baby with a you, go house-hunting, and then at the turn of a dome, want to explore his options?
However, when I told him I was hurt, I was the bad guy again for trying to make him feel bad.
I had stopped my life to make his life run smoothly. I didn’t have a job because he said, “Having a job will cut down on the time we see each other.” I was planning on moving to an entirely different area of the state, leaving behind my family and friends– all for him.
The Emotional Rollercoaster
I saw glimmers of hope, so I hung on to the idea that if I changed all these things to accommodate what he wanted in a mate that he would realize what a mistake he made by treating me so poorly.
These glimmers are when he would say, “There’s no way I could leave someone with such an amazing body like yours. I’d be crazy.” Then on the flip side, in the next sentence, he’d tell me, “I met up with an ex-girlfriend from high school. I am so infatuated with her. She has such an amazing personality.” Another time, he told me, “I can’t wait until you and I have a baby of our own and we will be happy raising our kids together.”
I was elated one moment about his approval and acceptance and then in the dumpster the very next with his rollercoaster of remarks.
I was so confused.
One time when he told me about dating other girls, I told him how I felt, and he got upset, saying, “I really don’t know how to make you understand that I don’t want to be in a relationship right now. I know this isn’t ideal for you.”
It was a rollercoaster of emotions!
The Final Draw
Of course I didn’t want to compete with a bunch of other women for his attention.
Especially when I was the chosen one just a few weeks prior! It didn’t seem like any of this was real. How could it be? It was all ridiculous.
When I told him I was going on a date (just to see if he’d get upset), he said he was happy for me, and all he wanted was for me to be happy.
One day, when I was speaking with my best friend on the phone, she sent me a screenshot of Joe’s Facebook page. His status said he was “In a Relationship.” He had just told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship, and here it was, right in front of me– he was in a relationship.
I felt sick to my stomach. I told myself it had to be a joke.
The End of it All
I finally stopped talking to him for good at that point.
I was more heartbroken than I’d been in my entire life. I don’t believe I had ever been in such a dark place. I had brief moments of clarity, where I told myself, “I’m gonna be okay.” But then I’d have heavy crying spells over and over again.
My best friend said Joe sounded a lot like a narcissist.
I did my own research about narcissists, and it was all so eerily accurate about him. I was relieved to learn that everything wasn’t my fault like he continually claimed.
I read stories of women that were similar to mine and I couldn’t believe it. I scanned everything that happened over and over in my mind and so many red flags popped out at me.
Red Flags of a Narcissist
The following are signature red flags that you are dealing with a narcissist. As defined by Healthline, here are seven common signs of someone with a narcissistic personality disorder:
Overwhelmingly Charming
- Joe made himself seem like perfection. He also did something called “love-bombing” which is why he told me he loved me so soon. He showered me with an abundance of gifts and affection early on.
Lack of Empathy for Others
- Joe never felt bad about anything he said or did to me, even when I was standing in front of him in tears.
Very Few Close Friends
- I always wondered why he never had any friends. He always said that most people were beneath him.
Build You Up Just to Tear you Down
- All the backhanded compliments or rude comments, such as when he told me that I was incapable of being a mother.
Gaslighting
- This is when the narcissist makes their victim question their own sanity. He would tell me to do something, and when I obeyed him, he would tell me I was wrong for doing it.
No Remorse For Anything or Anyone
- Joe never apologized for anything he said or did to me. Plus, the fact that a man can have an affair, then blame his wife and the woman he cheated with. Nothing was ever his fault.
Triangulation
- They bring other people into the relationship. Joe constantly brought up his wife (who was the villain in his story), comparing us in positive and negative ways. He also repeatedly brought up his exes who were supposedly obsessed with him, with the intent to make me jealous.
I wrote this post to help other women. I don’t want anyone to feel alone or like being treated like this is their fault. The recovery process was long and hard, and I still have my moments of anger and depression, even two years later. I learned the hard way that not all people are what they seem. But I’m happy that I’m able to take things from my situation and teach others before they make the same mistake.
What I Learned Dating a Narcissist and How It Can Help You
♥
Written by: Heather Mendez
Most of us can attest to the fact that maneuvering through the dating scene isn’t easy.
Meeting someone new is nerve-wracking! It’s basically an interview, based solely on looks and personality. We all want to make a good first impression. Unfortunately, the dating scene is even more difficult when you realize what kind of people are out there. Sadly, not everyone you meet is looking out for your well-being.
I learned this the hard way.
Hopefully, my story will serve as a warning to women who are dating or questioning a relationship they’re currently in.
How it All Began
I was tired of being single, so I decided to try a dating app to see what the online dating scene was like out there. I started up conversations with a few guys, but it never really ended up anywhere.
And then I met who we will refer to as “Joe” in this rendition of my story.
Joe seemed to have all the physical qualities I’d dreamt of, plus we both enjoyed many of the same extra-curricular activities. We talked on the dating app for a few days, and then he asked me to meet in person.
The first red flag I ignored was that he was a contract worker from out of town, working near me three weeks each month. He was heading home soon for his week off and suggested we meet before he left. I agreed, and we decided on a breakfast date for the next morning.
Love at First Sight
As I saw him walking toward my car, I felt butterflies.
He was the most handsome guy I had ever seen. We talked for a couple of hours straight, and I knew immediately that I was already falling for him.
I actually had to stop myself from saying, “I love you” to him during our first date. I knew it was too soon to say or think that, but it was what I felt. Then he said it first. I was shocked, because I realized we both felt the same way. So I took a leap of faith, and I told him, “I love you too.”
At the moment, my gut said go for it. It felt right at the time. I just brushed it off as “Wow. Love at first sight does exist.”
The second red flag, and I once again ignored it.
Honeymoon Phase
We spent a lot of time together.
During this time, I learned that he had been married before but was getting a divorce. He told me a story about how his wife would push him away and didn’t want anything to do with him.
Then he said something that rubbed me the wrong way.
He admitted to having an affair with a woman while he was away working. He had been spending time with this woman and even said that his wife knew about her. His wife found messages from her while he was home. She immediately left him and took their child with her. Joe said he was suicidal and blamed both women for ruining his marriage. He justified the cheating as, “my wife drove me to do it.” I took his side and agreed that she had driven him to cheat.
All I wanted to do was show this poor wounded soul that he was lovable and wanted.
Then, for weeks we talked about marriage– living together, raising his little girl together, and having a baby of our own. It was a life I’d dreamt of, and I was ready to live it.
Little did I know however, that I was about to be put through a series of sick games where the rules changed at any given moment.
Glaring True Colors
I finally got to meet his daughter.
However, there was one tiny stipulation. Apparently, his daughter was afraid of new people, and wouldn’t want to come too close to them. So the rules for meeting her were to not speak to her, not get within a few feet of her, and to pretty much leave her alone. I was only permitted to observe her from a distance.
The trip to meet his daughter was an absolute nightmare. Joe ignored me the entire time that his daughter was around, and of course, I couldn’t make contact at all, because if I got too close to them– he would yell at me to go somewhere else. I was so far away from everyone I knew, and I felt so alone. For someone that was supposed to be my rock, he had abandoned me in a time where I really needed him. I guess he didn’t completely ignore me, as he ordered me around to get him the diapers and wipes and clean clothes while he changed her soiled clothes.
I felt like I was going to cry. Surprisingly, he asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He stated that he couldn’t believe I was being so selfish. How dare I expect him to pay attention to me when all of his attention should be going to his daughter? And how dare I get upset about helping him out with his daughter while he changed her soiled diapers like a mother should?
I ended up apologizing to him, and I thought things went back to normal. We even looked at houses for us to move into, agreeing on one we both liked.
Honeymoon’s Over
Later, Joe stated, “My wife would always know what to do in times like that, she would always help me.”
He also stated that this trip opened his eyes a bit and made him think about how he “didn’t have time to teach a 30-year-old how to be a mother.” He went on to say how he had expected more from me, and that I could’ve at least attempted to talk or play with his daughter.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was somehow my fault that I hadn’t made a good impression on his daughter because I listened and followed his orders not to get near her?
He became distant and weird. He was speaking about moving into “his” house, not “our” house. I started to feel a little left out –or rather– booted out.
Things became different after that. We would still talk, but he would say mean things about my weight and other personal things. When I got upset, his response was, “I thought we could tell each other anything. I guess I was wrong.”
I apologized again. That’s right, I apologized for getting upset that he said something mean and hurtful to me.
He told me his dad suggested he should date around and explore his options. How does someone tell you they love you, want to marry you, have a baby with a you, go house-hunting, and then at the turn of a dome, want to explore his options?
However, when I told him I was hurt, I was the bad guy again for trying to make him feel bad.
I had stopped my life to make his life run smoothly. I didn’t have a job because he said, “Having a job will cut down on the time we see each other.” I was planning on moving to an entirely different area of the state, leaving behind my family and friends– all for him.
The Emotional Rollercoaster
I saw glimmers of hope, so I hung on to the idea that if I changed all these things to accommodate what he wanted in a mate that he would realize what a mistake he made by treating me so poorly.
These glimmers are when he would say, “There’s no way I could leave someone with such an amazing body like yours. I’d be crazy.” Then on the flip side, in the next sentence, he’d tell me, “I met up with an ex-girlfriend from high school. I am so infatuated with her. She has such an amazing personality.” Another time, he told me, “I can’t wait until you and I have a baby of our own and we will be happy raising our kids together.”
I was elated one moment about his approval and acceptance and then in the dumpster the very next with his rollercoaster of remarks.
I was so confused.
One time when he told me about dating other girls, I told him how I felt, and he got upset, saying, “I really don’t know how to make you understand that I don’t want to be in a relationship right now. I know this isn’t ideal for you.”
It was a rollercoaster of emotions!
The Final Draw
Of course I didn’t want to compete with a bunch of other women for his attention.
Especially when I was the chosen one just a few weeks prior! It didn’t seem like any of this was real. How could it be? It was all ridiculous.
When I told him I was going on a date (just to see if he’d get upset), he said he was happy for me, and all he wanted was for me to be happy.
One day, when I was speaking with my best friend on the phone, she sent me a screenshot of Joe’s Facebook page. His status said he was “In a Relationship.” He had just told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship, and here it was, right in front of me– he was in a relationship.
I felt sick to my stomach. I told myself it had to be a joke.
The End of it All
I finally stopped talking to him for good at that point.
I was more heartbroken than I’d been in my entire life. I don’t believe I had ever been in such a dark place. I had brief moments of clarity, where I told myself, “I’m gonna be okay.” But then I’d have heavy crying spells over and over again.
My best friend said Joe sounded a lot like a narcissist.
I did my own research about narcissists, and it was all so eerily accurate about him. I was relieved to learn that everything wasn’t my fault like he continually claimed.
I read stories of women that were similar to mine and I couldn’t believe it. I scanned everything that happened over and over in my mind and so many red flags popped out at me.
Red Flags of a Narcissist
The following are signature red flags that you are dealing with a narcissist. As defined by Healthline, here are seven common signs of someone with a narcissistic personality disorder:
Overwhelmingly Charming
- Joe made himself seem like perfection. He also did something called “love-bombing” which is why he told me he loved me so soon. He showered me with an abundance of gifts and affection early on.
Lack of Empathy for Others
- Joe never felt bad about anything he said or did to me, even when I was standing in front of him in tears.
Very Few Close Friends
- I always wondered why he never had any friends. He always said that most people were beneath him.
Build You Up Just to Tear you Down
- All the backhanded compliments or rude comments, such as when he told me that I was incapable of being a mother.
Gaslighting
- This is when the narcissist makes their victim question their own sanity. He would tell me to do something, and when I obeyed him, he would tell me I was wrong for doing it.
No Remorse For Anything or Anyone
- Joe never apologized for anything he said or did to me. Plus, the fact that a man can have an affair, then blame his wife and the woman he cheated with. Nothing was ever his fault.
Triangulation
- They bring other people into the relationship. Joe constantly brought up his wife (who was the villain in his story), comparing us in positive and negative ways. He also repeatedly brought up his exes who were supposedly obsessed with him, with the intent to make me jealous.
I wrote this post to help other women. I don’t want anyone to feel alone or like being treated like this is their fault. The recovery process was long and hard, and I still have my moments of anger and depression, even two years later. I learned the hard way that not all people are what they seem. But I’m happy that I’m able to take things from my situation and teach others before they make the same mistake.
About author: Heather Mendez
Heather is an artist, a wife, and new mommy.
She is passionate about spending time with her family, working on art projects, and trying to live her best life.
About author: Heather Mendez
Heather is an artist, a wife, and new mommy.
She is passionate about spending time with her family, working on art projects, and trying to live her best life.
