Why I Decided to Love Myself First Before Loving Someone Else

♥

Written by: Naila Karim

What age is the right time to start dating? 

Some people begin dating at 13, others wait until their 30s. 

Recently on TikTok, I discovered a video where a girl created a TikTok about how she couldn’t believe she was 19 and hadn’t dated anyone yet. When I read the comments, I saw how supportive and amazing other girls were about it. 

One comment read, “Girl, I’m 27 and I haven’t even had my first kiss yet! It’s all good.” 

Being a late bloomer myself, dating pressures have weighed heavily on my self esteem and has been one of my ongoing insecurities. However, after seeing these types of videos, I realized I was taking life much too seriously. 

DATING DISASTER

It all started when I decided I no longer wanted to be single. I grew tired of being alone and being considered a late bloomer. I wanted to make more of an effort on my part to start dating. 

I didn’t really know much about dating apps at the time with the exception to know enough to avoid Tinder! I always felt dating apps to be so superficial, judging people solely on their looks. Sure, it’s an easy way to meet people, but it also forces you into a hyper state of vulnerability. 

Everyone has insecurities, but when they outweigh the things you like about yourself and you begin obsessing over them, you start to realize something isn’t right. 

Unfortunately, I found out the hard way that ‘hating yourself + dating = disaster.’

RELATIONSHIP BLUNDERS

For almost a year, I found myself stuck in a horrible relationship. 

I became infatuated with someone I met from the app and dug a hole so deep, I thought I would never be able to get back out. I allowed myself to be used and abused. 

Even though there were terrible aspects to the relationship, there were good things too. At least that’s what I trained my mind to rationalize a bad situation. 

Each time something went wrong, it was automatically my fault. I constantly apologized and convinced my partner to stay with me, and each time he came back. He never hesitated in telling me that everything was always my fault too. I had to bend over backwards for him to forgive me and to start fresh. 

This pattern carried on for several months. The truth is, I didn’t really want to open my eyes to reality because despite the unhealthy situation, I still had someone. 

TWO WRONGS

We were toxic together within the relationship. It wasn’t only him. 

I purposely picked fights. I developed an unhealthy attachment to him, and I convinced myself that without him, I’d revert back to my state of loneliness and depression. 

It’s unrealistic to depend on others for happiness. A partner should add value to your life, not take away from it. 

Happiness must come from within yourself.

Happiness must come from within yourself. Instead of worrying about finding someone to complete you, it’s best to take timeout from dating and focus on yourself first.

PUT YOURSELF FIRST

Nowadays, I spend most days filling my time with activities I enjoy doing for myself, whether it’s shopping, writing, going to therapy, or simply spending quality time with friends and family. 

There are shitty days as well as good days, and I know I’m prone to feeling lonely, so the most important thing for me to remember as I move forward is focusing on what’s best for me, instead of reverting back to complacency that prevents me from growing. 

Therapy has been my top highlight through the ordeal. My therapist helped me uncover many beliefs I didn’t want to discover about myself and throughout it she helped me move forward with my life. 

Here is my list of other recommended activities I’ve incorporated:

Vision Board 

Making a visual board of things you want to achieve in life, creating a vision board, and placing it somewhere where you can see it every day.

The Bright Side 

Don’t deprive yourself of feeling any and all emotions. When something bad happens, try to list out the silver linings of the situation and usually the positives outweigh the negatives.

Journaling

Writing in a journal is incredibly beneficial. Whether it’s writing about your day or if you just want to write down some thoughts. I find writing helps me get my feelings out of my system by getting them onto a page.

Bottom line, don’t be afraid to ask for help to change your situation. It doesn’t matter if you’re a late bloomer. We’re all humans and we’re all different. 

Why I Decided to Love Myself First Before Loving Someone Else

♥

Written by: Naila Karim

What age is the right time to start dating? 

Some people begin dating at 13, others wait until their 30s. 

Recently on TikTok, I discovered a video where a girl created a TikTok about how she couldn’t believe she was 19 and hadn’t dated anyone yet. When I read the comments, I saw how supportive and amazing other girls were about it. 

One comment read, “Girl, I’m 27 and I haven’t even had my first kiss yet! It’s all good.” 

Being a late bloomer myself, dating pressures have weighed heavily on my self esteem and has been one of my ongoing insecurities. However, after seeing these types of videos, I realized I was taking life much too seriously. 

DATING DISASTER

It all started when I decided I no longer wanted to be single. I grew tired of being alone and being considered a late bloomer. I wanted to make more of an effort on my part to start dating. 

I didn’t really know much about dating apps at the time with the exception to know enough to avoid Tinder! I always felt dating apps to be so superficial, judging people solely on their looks. Sure, it’s an easy way to meet people, but it also forces you into a hyper state of vulnerability. 

Everyone has insecurities, but when they outweigh the things you like about yourself and you begin obsessing over them, you start to realize something isn’t right. 

Unfortunately, I found out the hard way that ‘hating yourself + dating = disaster.’

RELATIONSHIP BLUNDERS

For almost a year, I found myself stuck in a horrible relationship. 

I became infatuated with someone I met from the app and dug a hole so deep, I thought I would never be able to get back out. I allowed myself to be used and abused. 

Even though there were terrible aspects to the relationship, there were good things too. At least that’s what I trained my mind to rationalize a bad situation. 

Each time something went wrong, it was automatically my fault. I constantly apologized and convinced my partner to stay with me, and each time he came back. He never hesitated in telling me that everything was always my fault too. I had to bend over backwards for him to forgive me and to start fresh. 

This pattern carried on for several months. The truth is, I didn’t really want to open my eyes to reality because despite the unhealthy situation, I still had someone. 

TWO WRONGS

We were toxic together within the relationship. It wasn’t only him. 

I purposely picked fights. I developed an unhealthy attachment to him, and I convinced myself that without him, I’d revert back to my state of loneliness and depression. 

It’s unrealistic to depend on others for happiness. A partner should add value to your life, not take away from it. 

Happiness must come from within yourself.

Happiness must come from within yourself. Instead of worrying about finding someone to complete you, it’s best to take timeout from dating and focus on yourself first.

PUT YOURSELF FIRST

Nowadays, I spend most days filling my time with activities I enjoy doing for myself, whether it’s shopping, writing, going to therapy, or simply spending quality time with friends and family. 

There are shitty days as well as good days, and I know I’m prone to feeling lonely, so the most important thing for me to remember as I move forward is focusing on what’s best for me, instead of reverting back to complacency that prevents me from growing. 

Therapy has been my top highlight through the ordeal. My therapist helped me uncover many beliefs I didn’t want to discover about myself and throughout it she helped me move forward with my life. 

Here is my list of other recommended activities I’ve incorporated:

Vision Board 

Making a visual board of things you want to achieve in life, creating a vision board, and placing it somewhere where you can see it every day.

The Bright Side 

Don’t deprive yourself of feeling any and all emotions. When something bad happens, try to list out the silver linings of the situation and usually the positives outweigh the negatives.

Journaling

Writing in a journal is incredibly beneficial. Whether it’s writing about your day or if you just want to write down some thoughts. I find writing helps me get my feelings out of my system by getting them onto a page.

Bottom line, don’t be afraid to ask for help to change your situation. It doesn’t matter if you’re a late bloomer. We’re all humans and we’re all different. 

About author: Naila Karim

Naila is a British-based writer who enjoys writing about mental health topics. 

She’s passionate about horror movies and coffee. 

Instagram @karimy.blog