Much To Do About Love
♥
By: Sasha Temereva
Being in love is an absolutely maddening experience.
I’ve heard people say that to love and be loved unconditionally is the ultimate definition of true happiness. The mere possibility of attaining happiness like this seems to be a strong reason for us to search for love.
Searching for love is multifaceted, and does not solely entail a simple formula for finding one special person.
However, finding a special person is simply not enough alone to be in a successful relationship. Finding love is necessary, but not a sufficient condition for the prosperity of feeling happy.
LOVE EQUATIONS
Falling in love is a complex process, and what you do after you fall in love is important to note because your actions directly impact the success or failure of a relationship.
A successful relationship is an essential component to a happy life. For example, established wealthy business men that are happy with their success in life still seek out relationships and companionship.
Which goes to prove that money can buy you comfort, but in the long haul– comfort alone is simply not enough to feel fully happy and satisfied in life.
I’d like to introduce a different way of thinking about love, offered by philosophers, that alters our behavior to allow love to flourish.
LOVE STYLES
To accept external love means to accept the way people show their way of loving you. It is about respecting the love they know how to give. For example, arriving on time for a date might be one person’s way of showing their love as being respectful of their loved one’s time.
For others, it might mean showering their loved ones with expensive gifts.
However, what if one partner considers expensive gifts to be superficial and your significant other is habitually late? You love each other; but you just cannot satisfy each other’s love style needs.
FREE TO LOVE
Loving someone is not about possessing another person, making them yours, nor about making someone do what you want them to do.
Love brings the feeling of happiness, so it is understandable that for most people sustaining the feeling of love for as long as possible. It is a natural desire to promote one’s self contentment. However, the problem is that any attempt to cage love results in its atrophy.
“You can love birds without caging them and flowers without plucking them.
Love thrives without the bondage of possession and expectations.”
~Suhaib Rumi
THE FRIEND ZONE
The well-known philosopher, Nietsche says “friendship between partners helps.”
If love were ever rational, it would not be romantic love. According to Nietzsche, romantic love is transitory and passes away, which is why he advises love should not be trusted when it comes to marriage.
In his book, Beyond Good and Evil: Prelude to a Philosophy of the Future, he states “sensuality often hurries the growth of love so that the root stays weak and is easy to tear up.”
Values that friendship can bring into a relationship are the ones that make the root stronger. Nietzsche also highlights his stance about marriage, stating that it requires more of us than what emotional love can offer us.
THE BUSINESS OF LOVE
The unsustainability of romantic love could also present a problem when two people want to separate, yet children are involved. Significant emotional trauma is often a result of divorce for kids as well.
Another aspect of married people might be taking part in the family’s business. Ideally, two individuals in a marriage are true friends and operate as a partnership. Partners are open to understand one another and help each other out, even if the beauty of romance has waned.
LOVE SCHOOL
In his work, Joyful Wisdom, Nietzsche also states, “love must be learned.”
Nietzsche felt that the bonds of friendship were stronger than romantic love because friendship is honest. He believed friendship to be the highest form of love.
Lovers must learn to be friends instead of idealizing one another for true love to prosper. Usually people under the romantic veil imagine their partner as being perfect, while friendship wants to take the time to get to know the real side of their companion.
Alternatively, in romantic love, people are often too impatient with getting to know each other due to lust and overwhelming emotions. Without the foundation of friendship in place, respect for each other does not have a proper chance to develop.
Friendship cherishes duality. Love is possible only between two people that are patient in getting to know each other because it allows for mutual respect to bloom out of diversity.
LOVE AS A BATTLEFIELD
You might say that this is all good, but friends do not get jealous, as lovers do. And good relationships should not be a restriction.
People say you are jealous if you have low self-esteem and if you do not love yourself enough. Is it the love towards myself that makes me want my guy not to talk to other girls? This is the love toward my ego. And my ego is not me. My ego is what I associate myself with.
How do you cope with jealousy? It is an awful creature. For instance, he simply smiles at someone in a friendly way. He is very sociable and charming. Girls are attracted to him as bees are attracted to the honey. It seems to you that everyone wants him. And you are jealous when he talks to literally anyone. You are jealous even when he does not talk to anyone because you create these little non-real stories in your head.
In The Power of Now, Echart Tolle says:
If in relationships you experience both love and the opposite of love – attack, emotional violence and so on – then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your love has an opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego need for a more complete and deeper sense of self – the need that the other person temporarily meets.
It is the ego substitute for salvation. And for a short time it almost does feel like salvation. But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fails to meet your needs or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain and lack that are intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but have been covered up by love relationships now resurface. Just as with any other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but inevitably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before. And what is more, you now perceive your partner as a cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner’s own pain and he or she may counter your attack. Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain.
There is only one way to cope with jealousy. You must do deep inner work on yourself.
THE REAL HAPPY ENDING
Love is never about living in a fairy tale. Love is about inner work. It is about facing your ego and recognising its needs. Real love comes to you when you are emotionally mature and ready for it.
It might hit you on the back of your head and you will have no idea it’s love and that you are ready, but it comes exactly at the point when you can handle it.
The whole struggle is happening somewhere inside you, inside your psyche.
It is a long term work. But if you commit to the work, it becomes a long term investment in yourself.
Take care of yourself on a deep spiritual level. Ask yourself what you want and why. Be honest with yourself. Write it all out. If you want something, give all of yourself. Fill yourself with love so you will be able to spread it.
Much To Do About Love
♥
By: Sasha Temereva
Being in love is an absolutely maddening experience.
I’ve heard people say that to love and be loved unconditionally is the ultimate definition of true happiness. The mere possibility of attaining happiness like this seems to be a strong reason for us to search for love.
Searching for love is multifaceted, and does not solely entail a simple formula for finding one special person.
However, finding a special person is simply not enough alone to be in a successful relationship. Finding love is necessary, but not a sufficient condition for the prosperity of feeling happy.
LOVE EQUATIONS
Falling in love is a complex process, and what you do after you fall in love is important to note because your actions directly impact the success or failure of a relationship.
A successful relationship is an essential component to a happy life. For example, established wealthy business men that are happy with their success in life still seek out relationships and companionship.
Which goes to prove that money can buy you comfort, but in the long haul– comfort alone is simply not enough to feel fully happy and satisfied in life.
I’d like to introduce a different way of thinking about love, offered by philosophers, that alters our behavior to allow love to flourish.
LOVE STYLES
To accept external love means to accept the way people show their way of loving you. It is about respecting the love they know how to give. For example, arriving on time for a date might be one person’s way of showing their love as being respectful of their loved one’s time.
For others, it might mean showering their loved ones with expensive gifts.
However, what if one partner considers expensive gifts to be superficial and your significant other is habitually late? You love each other; but you just cannot satisfy each other’s love style needs.
FREE TO LOVE
Loving someone is not about possessing another person, making them yours, nor about making someone do what you want them to do.
Love brings the feeling of happiness, so it is understandable that for most people sustaining the feeling of love for as long as possible. It is a natural desire to promote one’s self contentment. However, the problem is that any attempt to cage love results in its atrophy.
“You can love birds without caging them and flowers without plucking them.
Love thrives without the bondage of possession and expectations.”
~Suhaib Rumi
THE FRIEND ZONE
The well-known philosopher, Nietsche says “friendship between partners helps.”
If love were ever rational, it would not be romantic love. According to Nietzsche, romantic love is transitory and passes away, which is why he advises love should not be trusted when it comes to marriage.
In his book, Beyond Good and Evil: Prelude to a Philosophy of the Future, he states “sensuality often hurries the growth of love so that the root stays weak and is easy to tear up.”
Values that friendship can bring into a relationship are the ones that make the root stronger. Nietzsche also highlights his stance about marriage, stating that it requires more of us than what emotional love can offer us.
THE BUSINESS OF LOVE
The unsustainability of romantic love could also present a problem when two people want to separate, yet children are involved. Significant emotional trauma is often a result of divorce for kids as well.
Another aspect of married people might be taking part in the family’s business. Ideally, two individuals in a marriage are true friends and operate as a partnership. Partners are open to understand one another and help each other out, even if the beauty of romance has waned.
LOVE SCHOOL
In his work, Joyful Wisdom, Nietzsche also states, “love must be learned.”
Nietzsche felt that the bonds of friendship were stronger than romantic love because friendship is honest. He believed friendship to be the highest form of love.
Lovers must learn to be friends instead of idealizing one another for true love to prosper. Usually people under the romantic veil imagine their partner as being perfect, while friendship wants to take the time to get to know the real side of their companion.
Alternatively, in romantic love, people are often too impatient with getting to know each other due to lust and overwhelming emotions. Without the foundation of friendship in place, respect for each other does not have a proper chance to develop.
Friendship cherishes duality. Love is possible only between two people that are patient in getting to know each other because it allows for mutual respect to bloom out of diversity.
LOVE AS A BATTLEFIELD
You might say that this is all good, but friends do not get jealous, as lovers do. And good relationships should not be a restriction.
People say you are jealous if you have low self-esteem and if you do not love yourself enough. Is it the love towards myself that makes me want my guy not to talk to other girls? This is the love toward my ego. And my ego is not me. My ego is what I associate myself with.
How do you cope with jealousy? It is an awful creature. For instance, he simply smiles at someone in a friendly way. He is very sociable and charming. Girls are attracted to him as bees are attracted to the honey. It seems to you that everyone wants him. And you are jealous when he talks to literally anyone. You are jealous even when he does not talk to anyone because you create these little non-real stories in your head.
In The Power of Now, Echart Tolle says:
If in relationships you experience both love and the opposite of love – attack, emotional violence and so on – then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your love has an opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego need for a more complete and deeper sense of self – the need that the other person temporarily meets.
It is the ego substitute for salvation. And for a short time it almost does feel like salvation. But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fails to meet your needs or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain and lack that are intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but have been covered up by love relationships now resurface. Just as with any other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but inevitably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before. And what is more, you now perceive your partner as a cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner’s own pain and he or she may counter your attack. Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain.
There is only one way to cope with jealousy. You must do deep inner work on yourself.
THE REAL HAPPY ENDING
Love is never about living in a fairy tale. Love is about inner work. It is about facing your ego and recognising its needs. Real love comes to you when you are emotionally mature and ready for it.
It might hit you on the back of your head and you will have no idea it’s love and that you are ready, but it comes exactly at the point when you can handle it.
The whole struggle is happening somewhere inside you, inside your psyche.
It is a long term work. But if you commit to the work, it becomes a long term investment in yourself.
Take care of yourself on a deep spiritual level. Ask yourself what you want and why. Be honest with yourself. Write it all out. If you want something, give all of yourself. Fill yourself with love so you will be able to spread it.
About author: Sasha Temereva
Sasha is a philosopher.
She is passionate about questioning everything and values authenticity the most.
About author: Sasha Temereva
Sasha is a philosopher.
She is passionate about questioning everything and values authenticity the most.
