How to Overcome the Loss of a Loved One & Build a New Life
♥
Written by: Irena Pavliuk
On my fifteenth birthday, I was having brunch with my mother when she received a call. She stepped out of the room and when she returned, there was a sense of forced calm in her gestures and voice. She relayed to me that my dear grandfather had just passed away.
It wasn’t until that moment that I truly realized what loss was.
Although we knew it was going to happen, it didn’t make the day it happened any easier. Many years of preparation for something you are dreading can add even more pain.
My grandfather and I did not have a typical relationship. Despite the age difference, we were great friends.My grandfather was more of a father figure to me. He was someone I grew up with to become the person I am today. He was an extraordinary grandparent, a kindred spirit in the most beautiful way.
In the Lightest Memory
When I was a child, we gathered flowers in the field together, he taught me to appreciate the beauty of nature, and most importantly instilled in me the love of birds.
It was exceptionally cold where we lived with lots of snow. Each time I visited my grandparent’s place for Christmas, we always fed the freezing birds that were in search of food. I remember these moments as times of absolute joy– despite the nagging of my grandmother, who didn’t approve of us attracting birds into the garden– because they would eat all the cherries.
My grandfather was a World War II Lieutenant, a teacher of geography, and a school headmaster. He was a famous figure in our county and I was very proud to be his granddaughter. However, his career wasn’t the most important thing about him. It was his love. He was protective, warm, and kind. So the absence of his love felt absolutely dark and hollow.
When There Seems To Be No Hope
Some say the first week is the hardest. I do not know about others, but for me it turned into at least a year. I felt completely alone in the world. That year isn’t something I like to remember. It was a rebellious time, which sometimes happens to young souls who lose a grounding figure in their life.
One way to deal with loss is to give yourself away to it. This approach focuses on preventing your feelings from being bottled up. You give yourself permission to let them out any time the moment strikes. But let me be clear, the approach hurts no less than keeping things bottled up.
I never knew what to do with that lump of tears forever present in the back of my eyes. Although I didn’t have enough strength to hold them in, I also wasn’t equipped at 15 years old to process it all, so I couldn’t hold space for myself to nourish my feelings with love.
But remember: your emotions are valid. There is nothing shameful in vulnerability. Nothing wrong in someone seeing you cry. You deserve to be treated kindly in every situation.
“My reservoirs were empty. I felt as if I had lost my ground. The world seemed so distant.”
Stronger Than You Think
During the first days, especially when the loss occurs unexpectedly, you won’t be able to think clearly. You cannot expect rational thinking from someone who is experiencing trauma. So your first task is to ensure you have a trusted friend or family member around. If you live alone you can invite someone over until you feel more steady in resuming your daily routines. If possible, take a break to visit a reliable friend.
Subconsciously, you will always know what is the best thing to nourish your aching soul. Whether it be to call someone, spend time in nature, feed a cat, or simply get some added rest with an afternoon nap. I would not recommend planning too much farther in the future than from day to day, especially when the trauma is fresh.
Personally, I do not see picking at a wound as a solution to loss right after it has happened. It may be a path to knowing yourself better, but it is probably not the best time for self-analysis. However, it is a great time for self-compassion. Accept yourself as you are and try not to judge your reactions. Let them be. Observe yourself with kindness. Do not try to fix your state of emotions immediately. Naturally with any type of trauma, you will lack energy. It is normal, and healing takes time.
Many people turn to drugs or alcohol in periods of loss. This is a harmful, but known and seemingly easy way to numb the pain, so please don’t judge people who do it. Try to show them compassion and offer suggestions for safer possibilities to reduce pain. Have a genuine conversation, empathize, and show concern and care of the person.
Looking On The Bright Side
There are two ways to think about loss of a significant person in your life. The first one is to believe that your loved one is still there in the form of energy, as an angel, a spirit, or a thoughtform– in the heavens or in your heart. Thus, they are not truly gone. You may believe they are thinking about you, guiding you, and supporting you on your path. In this case, they become an inspiration for you to live your best life.
The second way to think about loss is to accept it as an ending of a path and let the dear person go. No matter how painful, it is crucial to understand, that you are still loved and cared for, that your relationship didn’t change, and that you weren’t abandoned for who you are. The fact that you are lovable and deserving of love is a constant. The ending of the path or a transition in life of someone cannot change your value, the value of the relationship you had, or your personal worth.
After some time passes, you can begin visiting with your memories. It took many years for me before a thought of gratitude for a happy moment didn’t tear at my heart. I prefered to avoid the topic for a very long time. I believe it is possible to recover faster though. It takes some effort to shift your focus from loneliness to gratitude, but the work is worth it. And wouldn’t it be more fair to the memory of your loved one if you start thinking about them from a lighter place?
Precious Takeaways
- Love yourself in the now, don’t place your self-worth on events and other people. Love comes from within and it is your daily task to fill your reservoirs with appreciation and joy.
- Express your feelings at the moment of having them. Tell your loved ones how much they mean to you on a daily basis. Make them beautiful surprises. Apologize if you want to. Hug, laugh, dance, do weird, funny, loving things. Be as you are, enjoy who you are, and enjoy other people.
- No one is protected from loss. We are all vulnerable to it. Therefore, we must build communities of trust and support. Until then, be open and compassionate. Listen to your friends with empathy. Don’t judge other people’s weaknesses: you never know what they are going through.
♥
No matter how and when you choose to approach your grief, the key is to do so with gratitude and appreciation. With the right intention you can make your memory into a beautiful garden, where it is pleasant to be, where you can always come home to.
It is in your hands: to create it and take care of it, so that it grows within you, and inspires you for greatness every single day.
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How to Overcome the Loss of a Loved One & Build a New Life
♥
Written by: Irena Pavliuk
On my fifteenth birthday, I was having brunch with my mother when she received a call. She stepped out of the room and when she returned, there was a sense of forced calm in her gestures and voice. She relayed to me that my dear grandfather had just passed away.
It wasn’t until that moment that I truly realized what loss was.
Although we knew it was going to happen, it didn’t make the day it happened any easier. Many years of preparation for something you are dreading can add even more pain.
My grandfather and I did not have a typical relationship. Despite the age difference, we were great friends.My grandfather was more of a father figure to me. He was someone I grew up with to become the person I am today. He was an extraordinary grandparent, a kindred spirit in the most beautiful way.
In the Lightest Memory
When I was a child, we gathered flowers in the field together, he taught me to appreciate the beauty of nature, and most importantly instilled in me the love of birds.
It was exceptionally cold where we lived with lots of snow. Each time I visited my grandparent’s place for Christmas, we always fed the freezing birds that were in search of food. I remember these moments as times of absolute joy– despite the nagging of my grandmother, who didn’t approve of us attracting birds into the garden– because they would eat all the cherries.
My grandfather was a World War II Lieutenant, a teacher of geography, and a school headmaster. He was a famous figure in our county and I was very proud to be his granddaughter. However, his career wasn’t the most important thing about him. It was his love. He was protective, warm, and kind. So the absence of his love felt absolutely dark and hollow.
When There Seems To Be No Hope
Some say the first week is the hardest. I do not know about others, but for me it turned into at least a year. I felt completely alone in the world. That year isn’t something I like to remember. It was a rebellious time, which sometimes happens to young souls who lose a grounding figure in their life.
One way to deal with loss is to give yourself away to it. This approach focuses on preventing your feelings from being bottled up. You give yourself permission to let them out any time the moment strikes. But let me be clear, the approach hurts no less than keeping things bottled up.
I never knew what to do with that lump of tears forever present in the back of my eyes. Although I didn’t have enough strength to hold them in, I also wasn’t equipped at 15 years old to process it all, so I couldn’t hold space for myself to nourish my feelings with love.
But remember: your emotions are valid. There is nothing shameful in vulnerability. Nothing wrong in someone seeing you cry. You deserve to be treated kindly in every situation.
“My reservoirs were empty. I felt as if I had lost my ground. The world seemed so distant.”
Stronger Than You Think
During the first days, especially when the loss occurs unexpectedly, you won’t be able to think clearly. You cannot expect rational thinking from someone who is experiencing trauma. So your first task is to ensure you have a trusted friend or family member around. If you live alone you can invite someone over until you feel more steady in resuming your daily routines. If possible, take a break to visit a reliable friend.
Subconsciously, you will always know what is the best thing to nourish your aching soul. Whether it be to call someone, spend time in nature, feed a cat, or simply get some added rest with an afternoon nap. I would not recommend planning too much farther in the future than from day to day, especially when the trauma is fresh.
Personally, I do not see picking at a wound as a solution to loss right after it has happened. It may be a path to knowing yourself better, but it is probably not the best time for self-analysis. However, it is a great time for self-compassion. Accept yourself as you are and try not to judge your reactions. Let them be. Observe yourself with kindness. Do not try to fix your state of emotions immediately. Naturally with any type of trauma, you will lack energy. It is normal, and healing takes time.
Many people turn to drugs or alcohol in periods of loss. This is a harmful, but known and seemingly easy way to numb the pain, so please don’t judge people who do it. Try to show them compassion and offer suggestions for safer possibilities to reduce pain. Have a genuine conversation, empathize, and show concern and care of the person.
Looking On The Bright Side
There are two ways to think about loss of a significant person in your life. The first one is to believe that your loved one is still there in the form of energy, as an angel, a spirit, or a thoughtform– in the heavens or in your heart. Thus, they are not truly gone. You may believe they are thinking about you, guiding you, and supporting you on your path. In this case, they become an inspiration for you to live your best life.
The second way to think about loss is to accept it as an ending of a path and let the dear person go. No matter how painful, it is crucial to understand, that you are still loved and cared for, that your relationship didn’t change, and that you weren’t abandoned for who you are. The fact that you are lovable and deserving of love is a constant. The ending of the path or a transition in life of someone cannot change your value, the value of the relationship you had, or your personal worth.
After some time passes, you can begin visiting with your memories. It took many years for me before a thought of gratitude for a happy moment didn’t tear at my heart. I prefered to avoid the topic for a very long time. I believe it is possible to recover faster though. It takes some effort to shift your focus from loneliness to gratitude, but the work is worth it. And wouldn’t it be more fair to the memory of your loved one if you start thinking about them from a lighter place?
Precious Takeaways
- Love yourself in the now, don’t place your self-worth on events and other people. Love comes from within and it is your daily task to fill your reservoirs with appreciation and joy.
- Express your feelings at the moment of having them. Tell your loved ones how much they mean to you on a daily basis. Make them beautiful surprises. Apologize if you want to. Hug, laugh, dance, do weird, funny, loving things. Be as you are, enjoy who you are, and enjoy other people.
- No one is protected from loss. We are all vulnerable to it. Therefore, we must build communities of trust and support. Until then, be open and compassionate. Listen to your friends with empathy. Don’t judge other people’s weaknesses: you never know what they are going through.
♥
No matter how and when you choose to approach your grief, the key is to do so with gratitude and appreciation. With the right intention you can make your memory into a beautiful garden, where it is pleasant to be, where you can always come home to.
It is in your hands: to create it and take care of it, so that it grows within you, and inspires you for greatness every single day.
About author: Irena Pavliuk
Irena is a writer and poet from the Ukraine, currently living abroad in Tallinn. She’s visited over 10 countries and has recently received a Master’s degree in Estonia.
She is passionate about travel, music, and writing.
About author: Irena Pavliuk
Irena is a writer and poet from the Ukraine, currently living abroad in Tallinn. She’s visited over 10 countries and has recently received a Master’s degree in Estonia.
She is passionate about travel, music, and writing.
