LOST AND FOUND: MY PERSONAL JOURNEY TO FINDING MYSELF

Written by: Safia Essop

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw how much I had aged– not physically, but emotionally. 

I felt my soul had turned 1000 years old. I felt withered and solemn most days, and I frequently asked myself, “Who am I? How did I get here?” I was withdrawn and faking smiles. And worst of all, my eyes no longer sparkled. 

My reflection wasn’t the free-spirited, independent, and adventurous person looking back at me anymore. This person in the mirror was not me at all! 

I wanted that sparkle back in my eyes. I wanted my real happy smile back. I wanted the real ME! Not some imposter in the mirror posing as me. 

THE REAL ME

As a naturally carefree person, I was always chasing adventures and new challenges. My enthusiasm and zest for life was an inspiration to others. I felt I could conquer anything. 

As a single female, I traveled locally and internationally, bought a house and a car. I lived for the adrenaline rush! Skydiving, bungee jumping, diving with sharks, ziplining– I had to try it all!

I was proud of myself, experiencing opportunities that others didn’t have and making the best of it. My bucket list grew and ticking off my achievements was incredibly fulfilling. 

That was me, the real me. My life was an adventure.

AND THEN CAME LOVE, OR SO I THOUGHT

In the beginning, he was charming and protective, and my heart melted from all the affection he dished out. 

It felt so right. Every conversation left me smiling, and looking forward to seeing him. He was fascinated by me and everything about me. It was the best feeling of being with him and making memories. 

Until suddenly, things changed, and he claimed, I was “just really too much of a handful.”

That statement rattled my core. I didn’t want to lose him, so I gradually changed who I was for him and compromised my identity in every way. I did everything I could not to be my adventurous self. I turned away from anything that I was passionate about.

Overtime, I drifted away from friends and family. 

I looked for approval and acceptance from only him yet received none. Nothing I did was ever good enough. The more I tried to be the person he wanted, the more difficult he made it for me to achieve it. 

And the more I lost myself trying. 

But even then, I didn’t see it. 

THE DENIAL AND REALIZATION

My denial lasted a long while. I truly believed I could have done more. I wanted to believe in the fairytale. 

I was stuck in the moment. I couldn’t think beyond the day to day.

In retrospect, I realize now that I didn’t want to believe the relationship was toxic. I didn’t want to believe he was that wrong for me. I learned too late how manipulative and devious he was. 

I was lucky that my friends noticed the changes and confronted me about it. Admittedly, it took me a year before I realized they were right and saw what they saw.

But when I did realize it– nothing could stop me from waking myself up from the nightmare. 

 

THE ROAD BACK TO ME

Like most things in life, awareness is the first step to seeking help on the road to a better sense of well being. 

It certainly doesn’t happen overnight, and most times you just need to acknowledge the time has come for a change.

Here are a few simple ways to take the first steps of building your confidence back up:

  • Practice daily affirmations and positive self talk.
  • Meditate or pray for strength and courage.
  • Slow down and take time to journal your thoughts. Get your feelings out of your head and onto paper. 
  • Enjoy a warm beverage to calm your nerves.
  • Go for a walk to clear your head with some fresh air. 
  • Pick up a new book. Lose yourself between the pages for a few minutes.
  • Tune into your favorite uplifting Podcast.
  • Share your story. Storytelling can be healing. You never know who you may be helping.
  • Soak in a hot bath. Relax and wash away the tiredness and fatigue. Surround yourself with candles, incense, and soothing music to calm you.
  • Book a spa day session to pamper yourself for a day of self care. 
  • Dress up and take yourself on a date to your favorite restaurant. 
  • Gratitude. Be thankful for the people who stand by your side and for each new day to keep going.

I hope sharing my story helps someone in any small way to evaluate their own relationships and break free from the toxicity of an identity draining one.

 

LOST AND FOUND: MY PERSONAL JOURNEY TO FINDING MYSELF

Written by: Safia Essop

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw how much I had aged– not physically, but emotionally. 

I felt my soul had turned 1000 years old. I felt withered and solemn most days, and I frequently asked myself, “Who am I? How did I get here?” I was withdrawn and faking smiles. And worst of all, my eyes no longer sparkled. 

My reflection wasn’t the free-spirited, independent, and adventurous person looking back at me anymore. This person in the mirror was not me at all! 

I wanted that sparkle back in my eyes. I wanted my real happy smile back. I wanted the real ME! Not some imposter in the mirror posing as me. 

THE REAL ME

As a naturally carefree person, I was always chasing adventures and new challenges. My enthusiasm and zest for life was an inspiration to others. I felt I could conquer anything. 

As a single female, I traveled locally and internationally, bought a house and a car. I lived for the adrenaline rush! Skydiving, bungee jumping, diving with sharks, ziplining– I had to try it all!

I was proud of myself, experiencing opportunities that others didn’t have and making the best of it. My bucket list grew and ticking off my achievements was incredibly fulfilling. 

That was me, the real me. My life was an adventure.

AND THEN CAME LOVE, OR SO I THOUGHT

In the beginning, he was charming and protective, and my heart melted from all the affection he dished out. 

It felt so right. Every conversation left me smiling, and looking forward to seeing him. He was fascinated by me and everything about me. It was the best feeling of being with him and making memories. 

Until suddenly, things changed, and he claimed, I was “just really too much of a handful.”

That statement rattled my core. I didn’t want to lose him, so I gradually changed who I was for him and compromised my identity in every way. I did everything I could not to be my adventurous self. I turned away from anything that I was passionate about.

Overtime, I drifted away from friends and family. 

I looked for approval and acceptance from only him yet received none. Nothing I did was ever good enough. The more I tried to be the person he wanted, the more difficult he made it for me to achieve it. 

And the more I lost myself trying. 

But even then, I didn’t see it. 

THE DENIAL AND REALIZATION

My denial lasted a long while. I truly believed I could have done more. I wanted to believe in the fairytale. 

I was stuck in the moment. I couldn’t think beyond the day to day.

In retrospect, I realize now that I didn’t want to believe the relationship was toxic. I didn’t want to believe he was that wrong for me. I learned too late how manipulative and devious he was. 

I was lucky that my friends noticed the changes and confronted me about it. Admittedly, it took me a year before I realized they were right and saw what they saw.

But when I did realize it– nothing could stop me from waking myself up from the nightmare. 

 

THE ROAD BACK TO ME

Like most things in life, awareness is the first step to seeking help on the road to a better sense of well being. 

It certainly doesn’t happen overnight, and most times you just need to acknowledge the time has come for a change.

Here are a few simple ways to take the first steps of building your confidence back up:

  • Practice daily affirmations and positive self talk.
  • Meditate or pray for strength and courage.
  • Slow down and take time to journal your thoughts. Get your feelings out of your head and onto paper. 
  • Enjoy a warm beverage to calm your nerves.
  • Go for a walk to clear your head with some fresh air. 
  • Pick up a new book. Lose yourself between the pages for a few minutes.
  • Tune into your favorite uplifting Podcast.
  • Share your story. Storytelling can be healing. You never know who you may be helping.
  • Soak in a hot bath. Relax and wash away the tiredness and fatigue. Surround yourself with candles, incense, and soothing music to calm you.
  • Book a spa day session to pamper yourself for a day of self care. 
  • Dress up and take yourself on a date to your favorite restaurant. 
  • Gratitude. Be thankful for the people who stand by your side and for each new day to keep going.

I hope sharing my story helps someone in any small way to evaluate their own relationships and break free from the toxicity of an identity draining one.

About author: Safia Essop

 

Safia is a Virtual Assistant from Durban, South Africa. 

She is passionate about travelling, photography, writing, and chasing after adventures.

 

Instagram: @the_intrepid_va

About author: Safia Essop

Safia is a Virtual Assistant from Durban, South Africa. 

She is passionate about travelling, photography, writing, and chasing after adventures.

Instagram: @the_intrepid_va